


Come what may

by Doroleia



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben is sad, But porgs, Canon Compliant, Eventual Smut, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Implied Kylux, Kylo has huge hands, Light Angst, Light Comfort, No one is a virgin, POV Alternating, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Redeemed Ben Solo, Resolved Sexual Tension, Sexual Content, We all know what that must mean, hoping for a happy ending, reylo smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-14 15:44:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13593267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doroleia/pseuds/Doroleia
Summary: Rey never really believed the force bond between her and Ben had been created by Snoke. The light inside him she had felt wasn't something the Supreme Leader had planted there as a lie for her to fall for. The bond was theirs, and theirs alone. The conflict in him was as real as the conflict in her.Set days after TLJ, everyone regrets their decisions. (As they damn well should.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at writing Reylo, first attempt at writing het, and also my first ever posted fanfic. If it doesn't seem like I know what I'm doing, that might be correct. English is not my first language so any grammatical and spelling mistakes I would love to be able to rectify! Also constructive critisism is much welcomed.  
> 

### Chapter one

Rey never really believed the bond between her and Ben had been created by Snoke. The light inside him she had felt wasn't something the Supreme Leader had planted there as a lie for her to fall for. The bond was theirs, and theirs alone. The conflict in him was as real as the conflict in her.  
The brief encounter they shared on Crait might have felt like a last time, but then it happened again, no more than a week later.

She was still on the Falcon, on their way to a system in which they hoped to find sanctum with resistance-friendly allies. She turned a corner and there he stood, as dark and imposing as ever, but more menacing than she's ever seen him. He scares her, the animosity she can feel radiating from him, is it aimed at her or towards someone else? She can't be sure, and he breaks the bond in just a few seconds.

Sometimes it's only days between them connecting, sometimes almost a week. Sometimes several times in the same day.  
It's only fleeting glimpses: Kylo mad, Kylo raging, Kylo extremely irritated at someone nearby. But every time he breaks the connection as soon as he notice it. Not that she wishes that he wouldn't, but still. She wonders about him, about the First Order and their plans. Wishes she could use the bond between them to help the resistance.

Alone at night she also entertains the thought of what would have happened if she hadn't reached for the lightsaber? If she had asked him for it instead? Told him that she wanted to have him by her side, just not like that? Not that they ever could have come to an agreement at that time, it was no room for compromises when all her friends were dying. But still, if she had asked him for the saber, would he have given it to her? Could they have parted without that power struggle that ended with him, yet again, trying to wipe out _everything?_ With Ben Solo being abandoned and betrayed by someone he should have been able to trust, yet again?

 _Of course not, you silly naive child_ , Rey tells herself over and over during the weeks that follow. Berating herself every time she catches herself musing over what might have made a differece. What she could have done differently.  
Sometimes her thinking about it seems to ignite the bond, and he appears. Those times it's she who closes the connection.

_Does this mean he's thinking of me all those other times the bond connects us? And why is he always mad then, when it happens for him?_

***

Kylo Ren is exasperated. The idiots he's surrounded by are all eating away at what little patience he has. (And, lets face it, he didn't have any to begin with.)  
They all want things from him, leaders from different systems wants his promise that they won't come to any harm, they want to establish trade routes and collaborations. Manufacturers of weapons and ships want him to place orders, wants him in meetings about new features of their latest edition blaster and what have you. His officers and generals and commanders want missions, they want to be heading somewhere, fighting for something. Of course he realised that running the First Order, and in turn, the galaxy, would be a lot of work. He just hadn't realised it would be this tedious and feel this pointless.

More often than not, when someone approaches him with orders that needs his signing or with questions regarding what course of action to take, he snaps. His rage spilling over, exploding more like it. Quickly followed by the instant regret: he could have left all this behind. Had he just gone with Rey. Had he just called off the attack on the remaining rebel ships, they could have figured things out in quiet and solitude.  
But of course that couldn't have happened, she's way too stubborn to listen to anyone else, even for a second. She would never have agreed to try and see things from his perspective. And she probably wouldn't have been able to see past all he has done. All he still does.

 _You can't reason with someone so full of self-righteousness_ he screams at himself and completes the circle, back to rage again.  
It's almost always in these moments she appears, when she's already in his mind. It infuriates him even more; does she do it by design, just to taunt him? In his anger he has no problem with shutting her out, forcibly ripping the bond to shreds.

Other times she appears when he's not mad, sometimes he's not even thinking of her. Those times he has a chance to look at her, see into her eyes. They're always filled with regret, it seems to him.  
Those times it's she who shuts him out.

 _Maybe it isn't my rage that draws her in, maybe she's not doing it to spite me? Maybe it is I who opens the bond up, by thinking about her so intensely?_  
_Does that mean I could reach out to her whenever I want, and open the bond up?_  
_Then does that mean that it is she who's the reason for those other times, her thinking of me? And why does she always look so devastatingly sad then?_

Supreme Leader Kylo Ren does not have time for this.

***

In the end what remains of the Resistance heads back to Ahch-To. Rey is confident that Snoke didn't have time or the inclination to share the information he extracted from her with Ben or anyone else before he was killed. And if Luke had managed to keep himself hidden here for as long as he did, shouldn't they be safe here as well?  
The general wanted to have some sort of closure for her brother, closure for herself and closure for them all. It only seemed fitting they tried to find it there, where the Jedi had started.  
So they held a memorial service for Luke as well as for Han. They held memorial services for General Haldo and all others who fell during their latest battle.  
When that was over and done with, the general, never one for grieving or brooding, dived right back into her work. Organizing the resistance's retaliation, amassing troops, engaging benefactors and alliances. Simply doing her best to earn the title of ”rebel scum” that has been thrown at her her entire life.

Rey focus on her mental training. Meditating for hours, conversing with Luke, even getting to know Yoda. Learning, ever growing, building her strength and expanding her control. Learning about balance, both how they, as Jedi masters percieves of it, but also how she feels it should, how it could work. (A true balance, not just the way of the Jedi, where everything is calm pragmatism and control, but also not just the way of the Dark Side, where all is rage, strength and lack of compassion.  
A balance where one does not have to choose one side and for ever cast what belongs to the other aside. A balance that allows for control to meet passion, where you won't be defined as either or, but where you can use the pieces of the different sides as to best benefit you and as many other as possible. The gray-ish side of the force maybe?)

It's right in the beginning of one of her meditation sessions. She's standing with the warmth of the sun, shining in through the open window on her back. In front of her the bare stone wall of her private mountain side cabin. Opening herself up to the force comes as easy as breathing now.

When she feels his presence this time it's different, he's reaching out to her, with purpose. He walks into her consciousness, materializing and shattering her solitude.

Rey's mind is still at ease, she stands her ground, staring unflinching into his eyes. Meeting his gaze as an equally strong force to be reckoned with. Unfazed by the person who has named himself the new Supreme Leader.

He breaks the silence that's reigned between them since the red room, taking a tentative step towards her.  
”I... I have waited for a chance to see you, again, alone...”  
”I got the feeling you were hiding from me, cowering away, ashamed of your actions” Rey answers him with a level voice, but still a little taunting.  
”You've caught me at bad times, that's all. I have no reason to hide from you, I've done nothing to leave me with shame.” His voice as controlled as hers, but the slightly hoarse and threatening purr of it reverberating through her mind.  
His words shakes her from her calm, making her anger and annoyance flare up, tricking her into taking a step towards him as she says ”you just aren't decent enough to feel shame”.  
”I've never been taught decency” he answers, voice hard, stepping closer still while he continues:  
”Only fire and how to give in to what I want.”

Rey frowns, her own fire seeping through. She wants to control it, control herself, but she also doesn't feel that she should have to. If he makes her angry, why supress it? She searches her feelings, notice how what she read as anger is more like frustration, mingled with an intense sadness that they can't seem to reconcile their two different approaches to the force, to the war. To what they saw of their future.  
She wants to answer him but is at a loss for what to say, how can she possibly reach someone as narrowminded and stubborn as Kylo? Is there any way to make him see how his way of thinking will be the ruination of the whole galaxy? How can she convince him to try her way? Why does this make her so sad? Why does it matter so much to her, what he thinks?

She presses her eyes shut, not in an attempt to break the bond, but in an effort to clear her mind, get a grip on herself. When she opens them again she's alone.


	2. Chapter two

Kylo's had sexual encounters before. It was never about love or passion though. Hardly even lust. It just felt like a knowledge and an experience he ought to have. Being able to see into people's minds made it easy for him. When he could sense someone wanting him he would act on it. But it was always a question of someone lusting for him, never the other way around.  
He didn't much care about gender, it has never made any difference to him (but he has always kept strictly to humanoids, he does have some moral boundaries after all).  
He don't regret any of it, and he can't be bothered to care if it meant something to his sexual partners, if he hurt them by not wanting to persue some sort of romantic relationship. He has fought them just as ruthlessly during training sessions as before, has drilled and worked them just as hard when leading them in battle, as if nothing had happened.

He has a lingering suspicion that that's the true source of Hux's animocity towards him. That them fucking each other didn't change their relationship in any way, at least not for Kylo.  
But he honestly don't care in the least, he's not interested in knowing whether Hux is hurt and lashing out because of that or if he's just a general asshole.

Kylo Ren has never wanted someone before, never felt any sort of amorous attraction. Not before Rey.  
He realises that that was what happened that first time their minds touched through the force bond. He wanted to feel more of her. He wanted her. He fell in lust for her.

That's what he hoped to convey to her, by seeking her out now, in calm. He wants to let her know that he wishes things had gone differently between them. He wanted to have an actual conversation with her, try to talk all their differences out. Or at least just talk. _Well that didn't go quite as planned, did it, you genius?_ He should have known he wouldn't be able to keep his calm if she were to bait him, in any way. And he definitely should have counted on her vexing him. _That fucking scavenger scum_ (the thought he more often than not ends up with, when thinking of her.) _She's so fricking infuriating and can never just shut up and listen. And most of the time she let's her lightsaber do the talking for her,_ the thought dripping down Kylo's core like warm honey, kicking at a heart he had thought long dead and withered. She always manages to get a rise out of him, one way or another.  
But still, at times he's sure to have felt something akin to confusion and surprise in her, and even though he can't be sure if it's due to her being confused and surprised for being attracted to him, a Supreme Leader can hope, right?

And now he saw that same look in her eyes she had just before closing the doors of the Falcon on him. (The same door that closed on his parents when they left him in the temple with Luke. The last time he saw them both, together.)  
Her eyes were heavy with dissapointment, finality. To see her like this again, so obviously filled with nothing but contempt for him, stirs something inside of him. It's not like hate or rage, or even rejection. It's a new feeling.

Kylo is no stranger to dissapointing the people around him. He saw that look in his father's eyes, that look that said _I don't understand you, kid, we're nothing alike_. He saw it in his mother's eyes, saying _You're not the son I needed. You'll never be as strong as me, you'll never carry on my legacy of resistance_. He saw it time and time again in his uncle's, his master's eyes. Saying _You lack the control, you lack the understanding, you lack the patience_. He also saw it, all too often, in the eyes of Snoke. The one who promised him the understanding and belonging he never could get from his family, even he rejected him. Time and time again.  
It broke him apart every time. When his family rejected him, when Snoke were dissapointed in all his efforts. Nothing he ever did was ever enough, for anyone.

Feeling rejected by Rey is not something he feels in his heart, or his mind, or even in the pit of his stomach.  
Her rejecting him feels like the air isn't breathable, like his lungs will crawl out of his mouth. As if the Force itself tries to disentagle from him, tries to cast him off.

But also this:  
Her rejection feels like he could brace disbanding the First Order just to make her never look at him like that again. It makes him feel like he could ask for his mother's forgiveness and beg to be given a new chance, just to show Rey she wasn't wrong about him. It makes him scared shitless and it fills him with courage, with hope. With searing, torturous light.

She once told him he wasn't alone and it felt like she said she would be with him. He fucked up in the red room, expecting her to let her newfound family die.  
He remembers how she looked at him before that, in the elevator. Eyes filled with that same hope and light that he now shares. He knows she felt it, for him. He knows she can feel it again.

***

A few day later she senses him again. She's in her cabin, meditating (like always). She don't need to open her eyes to know he's there. Every time they connect like this, it's as if she's all of a sudden in a vacuum, the air sucked out with the sound. But more than that, she feels the presence of him like how you feel the absence of a headache you've had for so long you've forgotten how it feels like to not be hurting.

Her anger and frustration has long since evaporated. Now she just feels sadness, that they're alone. That they probably don't belong together, that they're not the completing halves she had so foolishly allowed herself to believe when they first touched. When they first fought side by side.

It's a struggle to even open her eyes to look at him. She's felt so rejected by him, as if what she had to offer him wasn't enough. That she wasn't enough. She's scared to look at him now and not see that connection, that belonging. To not see the answer she thought him to be.

”Please look at me”, Kylo's voice is low but not commanding, not angry nor cold. She struggles to define what it is she hears, she think she knows but she's afraid to fool herself again. To allow herself to think that she's not hearing her own hope, but his.

She can't keep herself from looking at him, of course she can't. And he looks just like he did on Crait. Filled with fear, regret and despair. She forces herself to keep her eyes locked on his, even though it hurts like hell.

He's much closer than anticipated, barely an arms length away. Surrounded by darkness but without looking like a part of it, not like he wants to engulf her in it.

No, she decides, _he looks different_. Resolve, fear and hope flitters over his features in a rapid stream, as if he's filled with it and can't contain it. Like he knows he fucked up and would do anything to undo all the horrible things he's done. Like he's hoping she'll let him.

Pre-occupied with this confusion (and let's admit it, the flare of hope springing up in her like the _idiotic and naive orphan child that you are_ she can't keep herself from screaming in her head), she doesn't notice it happening until it's already happened.  
She looks down to see their arms already risen, fingers reached out, so close to once again be touching. Like two parts of a whole, unable to keep the distance, this new thought blocking out the screaming.

It's both like an electric charge and an increase of gravity, pushing her down into the ground, in the instant their fingers touch. They both draw their breath in audibly, at the same time. He looks as surprised as she feels, like this is more than he could have ever hoped for. She sees how his pupils dilate, till there is only blackness in his eyes.  
She can feel his voice, his want and something close to rapture, in her body, in her mind. Ben's feelings imploring her, asking her, begging her: _”don't break it”_. The please left unthought.

They stand like this, breathing in unison, their eyes locked on each other. Barely touching but almost burning where they can feel the heat, the skin, the presence of the other. It's a heartbeat, it's ten thousand heartbeats. Worlds standing still and worlds rushing past them in point five lightspeed.

It happens so slowly, over so long a time, that it doesn't even register with Rey. That they move their fingers.  
When she notices the feeling of dry and flaking fingertips, doing something that feels almost close to caressing, it's as if that sensation is what has been missing her her entire life. Fingers sliding against fingers, touching, testing the bond, their eyes never breaking contact.

Her fingers and hands are rough, hard and calloused from years of hard and physical labour. His are uneven and bumpy with scars. They feel the different structures of the other's skin, flashes of memory from how each scar and every ridge has come into existence.

They move the other arm och hand towards each other at the same time, their minds melting together, their thoughts shared and thought together. As she's thinking of lifting her arm his arm lift as a result. Painfully slow they move their hands against the others. The back of his hand against the palm of hers, his fingertips pushing themselves in between her fingers, intertwining with them. They clasp their hands together, as in a shared prayer. At first tentativley, like lovers; then harder, with a mutual grip that's tight enough to make the bones in the other's hand creak. Testing the strength of the bond, will it crumble when strained? Will the hurt make it waver? It doesn't and they ease up on their power struggle. They stand, palm against palm with fingers laced, and without either of them moving their feet, their bodies are still slowly shifting, drawing closer.

Then it's the heat of their bodies they notice. At first no hotter than normal, it becomes intensified by how when he feels her body heat, she feels him feeling hers and then they are both feeling the other's sensations, over and over, again and again. Everything they feel are mirrored in infinity.

Still slow, their hands move up the other's arms. Ben's scarred fingertips against the thin and almost translucent skin of Rey's wrist. Hers, almost numb from how hardened the skin of her fingertips are, feels rough against the same soft skin of his wrists. At a glacial pace their palms are pressed up along the others underarms. Her hands disappearing up under the flowing black sleeves of his robe ( _is he wearing leisure wear?_ incredulity flashes through her head, not acknowledged by him and soon forgotten again).  
Her palms pressed against the naked flesh there. His pressed against the fabric of her bindings, the heat still enough to burn her skin under them.  
The time passed from that first alarming touch till when their hand reach the end of both of their unclothed arms must be hours, surely? Or maybe no time has passed at all.

” _What is this? How can it keep happening?_ ” Rey whispers, not wanting to break the tension between them. It crackles, a tangible taste in her mouth.  
” _Are you actually here right now, physically? Have the force transported you across the galaxy, to bring you to me?_ ” Rey speaks in a voice so low Kylo wouldn't have heard it if he hadn't also heard her voice in his mind, as if spoken by himself.

” _Maybe you are with me, aboard my ship? Maybe I have brought you to me?_ ” Kylo challenges her in that reverberating voice of his, spoken with unmoving lips. She can feel it trickling down her spine, he feels her feeling it, making the hairs on both their backs stand.

Through the eternity they are sharing, their hands have reached their shoulders. Sweaty palms presses down on rounded shoulders, Rey's fingers pushing up, through the confines of his high necked apparel, brushing over his pulse point, fanning over his throat. A finger on each side of his adam's apple. His hands ghosting over her collarbones, dipping down in the valley where the chest is no more and the neck starts.  
Her hands mirror his, the fingers find his collarbones, pushing, prodding. Feels where the bone has been broken, repeatedly. Instant knowledge of beatings, fights, training sessions. Bones snapping and breaking and grinding against broken bones. She feels him, how he is letting her know, letting her see. The scar she left him with the most vivid of them all, both the physical feeling under her fingers and the emotional through the bond.

Feeling the others sensations, the others thoughts and revelations in the same instant as the other, makes it hard to determine who feels what first, but suddenly it's like all they can feel is their genitals. Rey's are in a dull pain, both the inner and outer parts of her labia contracted, pressed together. It's as if a giant fist has clenched around her groin. She's hot, she's wet, she's surprised by the intensity of it. By the knowledge that the only thing that could ease her discomfort and hurt, would be something breaking through the imagined fist, forcing her to unclench. Releasing the muscles of their tension, giving pleasure where now there is pain and want.  
Kylo feels it like something's pressing down, from the inside. His guts pushed and crushed, down into his abdomen, filling out his penis with so much more than just blood. He's so hard that it hurts, a pain so intense it feels like pleasure. The thought of a relief from this unmatched arousal almost frightening him, in turn frightening her.  
Their eyes grow impossibly wider, darker, wetter. Locked together, drinking the other in.

It takes an immessurable amount of willpower to keep breathing, but they do, in unison.  
Ragged? Yes. Laboured? Yes. Deep? Oh yes. Hands on collarbones, eyes drowning in eyes, the distance between them shrinking. Will they melt together? Will the force bond crush them into one another? The individual power and strength now shared and thus multiplied, too strong to be contained in a single human vessel?

The suddenness of his eyes ripped from hers, burning daggers at something outside of her vision, feels like a punch to her gut, knocking the breath from her lungs. The room she's been standing in this whole time bursts into existence as Kylo dissapears, the loss of his precence like a tension headache filling her head once more.

Then the cacophony of the island rushes in, assaulting her senses. Waves crashing against stones, porgs shrieking as they dive towards the ocean's surface, wind wailing between the cliffs. Rebels planning, regrouping, talking and laughing, building and working.  
She hears it all, and it's deafening.


	3. Chapter three

Kylo Ren stands, neither alone nor with Rey, in his chamber aboard the Finalizer.  
Hux was the one to storm into his rooms, never mind the storm troopers posed outside to assure his privacy. Paying no respect to the fact that Kylo Ren is obviously not yet dressed for the day. He's raving on about beeing kept in the dark, no longer privy to the plans and machinations of the First Order.  
Ren looks down his front to make sure his billowing robe conceals the state he's in, hiding an erection that's threatening to empty his head of all blood to the point of him fainting.  
_Why have I not yet killed this cretin?_ Ren muses, pondering whether to simply crush his esophagus or maybe ripping him, limb from limb, then beating him with his severed appendages.  
Hux is screaming, red faced, spit flying everywhere, about how he want's to be at the front of every battle, commendeering fleets, ordering strikes.  
_Ah yes_ , Ren remembers, _canon fodder and scape goat_.  
He let's his mind drift, can't for the life of him focus on listening to Hux. Can't be engaged in whatever it is now that surely needs his immidiate attention.

Now that he has felt her, her skin and her breath and her obvious lust for him, he's not sure how to be able to function if he can't touch her on a daily basis.

_This is why both the Jedi and the Sith are so against romantic attachment_ Kylo realizes, _I don't think I can trust myself to make rational decisions as long as I'm feeling this way. How am I supposed to have enough wits about me to decide such trivial things as what planets to destroy, which allies to secure and where to deploy my army when all I see before me is her face? All I want to hear is her soft pants and heavy breathing?_

***

Rey don't dare to meditate again for quite some time. Every time she remembers what she felt with Ben, hell, _for Kylo_ , she can feel her face grow red with shame and mortification. Instead she combat trains with Finn, learning moves and techniques for hand to hand combat. When she can't train she repairs ships, modifies the weaponry, uses her mind and knowledge for practical things. When she grows tired of that she help train new pilots.  
Her mornings, days and evenings are filled with taxing work. Each night she stumbles into bed, too tired to ever sleep light, unconsious almost. If Ben tries to contact her she doesn't notice.  
When Finn or the general asks her about this new routine she tells them she need to work her body and brain as well as her force abilities. Putting all her trust in the force and that she'll be stronger than Kylo Ren in that aspect alone would be foolish. She'll need all the help she can get, all he smarts she can muster, if she can ever hope to beat him.  
Finn look's satisfied with this answer, Leia saddened.  
_I keep forgetting that it's her son I'm talking about 'beating'_. Rey feels ashamed, she knows that Leia still holds on to the hope that Ben can still be turned, be saved. And to be honest, so does Rey. Whether she wishes to or not.  
That makes them the only two people in the galaxy that still roots for Ben. Who can look at Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the First Order, and see someone worth all the chances they can throw at him. Worth their trust and hopes. 

Sometimes when Rey's eyes find Leia's in the middle of a briefing, during a meeting or in the mess hall while eating, she can see the boy Leia remembers. She can feel all the love she still feels for her son. Her child. She knows that Leia can see what Rey feels for him as well. That she won't give up on him, on Ben. She feels so close to her in those moments, like they share, not a secret? More like a horrible kinship, that they're both on the same path, one that will lead to dissapointment, betrayal. Destruction. Rey sees that feeling mirrored in Leia's eyes. Hope and dispair in an unholy marriage.

 

Sitting alone on the cliff where Luke first told her to reach out and touch the force, she ruminates.  
Admitting to herself she's scared shitless of letting herself hope again, hope that she can turn him, that he'll come back. Afraid she'll break her heart and spirit with all this groundless hope. 

But still... _he looked different_ she keeps telling herself. She wonders if she can sneak up on him through the bond, catch him sleeping and look into his mind?  
Once again, instant shame and regret as she remembers that's what Luke did to him. She can't bare the thought of dissapointing him, like everyone else has done.

”Ask him you should, then answers you will get” comes a voice from behind, startling her. Yoda, the cryptic matchmaker he now seems to fashion himself as, stands glowing in the entrance to the room behind her.

 _Fucking force ghosts_ , she thinks to herself, _pointing out the obvious as if it's never occured to me._  
But of course Yoda hears her thoughts. He just laughs at her.  
”So strong Rey, the one foretold to balance bring to the force, afraid is she? Of asking her heart throb to choose her?” He sounds delighted. It's infuriating and comically true.  
Her heart actually throbs for him. Not just with sadness over all the wrongs that's been done to him, and not just with ache for an end to the war. But with a tenderness she's never felt before. She aches to touch his face, to be in his presence. To talk with him.

”But I don't know how, master Yoda. What should I say, huh? _Please come back? To your mother, to the resistance? To me?_ There's no point. He's made his decision, you know that.” she hears the defeat in her voice and feels the hopelessness grow within.

”Alter decisions can, and do! Every day and every hour, a new possibility is there. In motion the future is, moving constantly, predictions made impossible.” Yoda's blue form wobbles closer. ”Lost is noone, truly gone? Never. He still can come back, know this, you do Rey.”

Rey has heard about Yoda's fondness for knocking people over the head with his gnarly cane, so she is wary to say anything that might ellicit that particular response.  
”I _am_ afraid, master Yoda. Afraid that I'll ask too much of him, that I'm too late. That he'll truly leave me...” her voice trails away as she looks down, tears threatening to fill her eyes as she thinks of the other people in her life that's left her. But before she has a chance to really succumb to her maudlin thoughts, she gets knocked over the head by Yoda's gnarly cane.

”Fear is the path to the dark side! And of the force I speak not, but of your heart. Open you must keep it, try and try again, never giving up. This is my hope for you, Rey. Love without fear.”  
He switches between jabbing the cane against her sternum and motioning it threateningly towards her head. But she still feel lighter from it, like a burden somehow being lifted. Like acceptance and granted permission to just throw herself head first into come what may.

”A leap of faith? Should I not be afraid of trying to get to him, time after time? Even if my heart breaks a little every time I look for Ben but sees Kylo?” She smiles even though her words sound sad. It doesn't feel sad. She thinks of Ben, of Kylo Ren, and she doesn't feel sad. 

”Yes, Rey. Acceptance and perseverance. Faith I have in you, and young Solo alike” Yoda says as he dissolves.

 _Young Solo_ , she can't help but giggle at that moniker, _he'd really hate that._

She should have realised all that thinking about him would bring him around.

***

When it's not by his design he can't keep his composure as well as he'd like. At least he's alone this time, alone on the Silencer. She's sitting down in lotus position, faceing him. Her form lit up from behind, casting a halo around her.  
_She must be outside_ Kylo thinks as she blocks out the space outside of his ship. Quickly followed by the more startling realisation that she's smiling.  
_Smiling and apparently thinking of me, why else would she have conjured me through the force bond?_

”Thinking about me, Rey?” He can't see the point in trying to hide his amusement and glee in seeing her. Besides, he doesn't think he has ever seen her smile before? Come to think of it, he can't remember the last time he had a reason to smile himself.  
But he kinda does now.

”Seems stupid trying to deny it, huh?” she answers, ”I think I'm finally ready to admit it to myself. Trying to block you out these past weeks have been exhausting”. She still smiles, even though the honesty in her words are a bit startling.

”Why have you? I've looked for you, since the last time...” _oooh where are you going with this, Ren?_ He doesn't know how to end that sentence, so he just does. Rey seems a bit uncomfortable too, but not in a bad way. More flustered, pink cheeks, bashful smile. 

”Yeah, that was... intense...” she looks into his eyes and something shift. His features arranges themselfes into a new pattern, muscles stretching and flexing, and Rey realizes she is seeing Kylo Ren smile. She is seeing Ben.

Rey is just sitting on her rock, smiling at Ben Solo, and on the Silencer sits Kylo Ren, smiling at Rey.

It's not a concious decision, not really.  
”I'll come to you, Rey. Say when and where, and I'll be there, waiting for you.” This time there isn't any hesitation in her, in him.  
”Yes. Yes, but not here, somewhere neutral.” She answers him without delay.  
”Somewhere where noone will know us.” He reads her mind or if his mind works in the same way as her's, it doesn't matter. They think alike.  
”Where are you now?” Rey asks, forgetting for a second that the truth of it all is that they're on opposing sides of a galactic wide war.  
”Tell me where you are first” Ben answers her with a smile on his face, in his voice.  
”Fair enough. Let's meet at an outer rim planet, not too far from Takodana, could you do that? In no more than, say a standard week?” 

The thought of waiting another week is not appealing to Kylo.  
”I can go back to the base and change ship to one with a faster hyperdrive and be anywhere you want within two days” he answers, for a second forgetting this probably means he'll be defecting. Once they meet in the flesh he very much doubts he'll ever be able to leave her side.  
”...but maybe not. I can be at, say Cerea in about a week? 

Rey smiles as she realizes he also keeps forgetting the truth of their situation. That he is throwing himself into this, taking his own leap of faith. Just like her.  
”Cerea it is, then.”


	4. Chapter four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg, do I need to change the rating of this to explicit perhaps? I feel a bit embarrassed, hope you will too.

She can't take the Falcon. It needs a co-pilot for one, and if something should happen while she's gone, the rebels will need every last attack-ready ship they have.  
Foreseeing their reaction, Rey postpones telling Finn and Poe of her plans until the last minute, not giving them time to fret or try to talk her out of it. Not that she thinks she might be persuaded to let the whole thing go, but because she doesn't want to get upset with them. She wants to leave them on friendly terms. Just in case.

In the end Leia finds her a ship that she can pilot alone and that has hyperdrive enough to get her where she's going. She won't tell Finn or Poe where that is, but she tells Leia.  
Leia would never try to stop her, never rush to her ”rescue” from some imagined threat.  
Leia wants Rey to go to him almost as much as Rey herself wants to.

”I won't tell you to bring my son back” Leia says to her, still remembering where that got her the last time. ”But if you can save Ben from Kylo Ren...” she can't finish the sentence. Not without asking Rey to bring him back. Even though she just said she wouldn't repeat that plea. 

”I won't give up on him. I have the force, guiding me. This could truly be the end of the war.” Rey smiles at her friends as she takes leave of them. But to Leia she sends a private thought, _”if I don't come back, it won't neccesarily mean something bad. It might just as well be something good. Remember that.”_

She leaves them behind, heading for Cerea, a lush and verdant planet. The indigenous race were not known to be very welcoming of outlanders, but they would be better off avoiding the larger cities anyway. On planets unaligned with the Galactic Republic one could always find ports to act as a refuge of sorts for smugglers, thieves and assorted scum. Kind of like her.

***

The past week the force bond has been acting weird. Like dormant, but still buzzing? She has only caught a few glimpses of Ben during the days, but twice she has fallen asleep with invisible arms cradling her. Once she's woken up to it. She has neither seen nor heard him, but his body pressed up against her back has felt very real. A tense reverence, both of them unfamiliar with this new side of the force bond, but glad to have it still, in any form. The last day before her departure she felt his hand on the small of her back, the back of his hand ghosting over her arm, him just walking beside her, every single moment. Unwilling to leave her side it seemed, only when she loudly declared her intentions of going to the bathroom to a confused group of pilots-in-training did he dissapear for a time. 

As she's hurtling through hyperspace, towards him, she tries to remember every smile she's gotten from him in the last week. Just flashes, him busy with something or idle, but each time he has looked up at her and smiled. Then the connection has been broken.  
Rey gets the feeling the force itself is wary of letting them talk to each other, this close to them actually meeting on friendly terms.  
Like it doesn't want to risk anything by bringing their volatile personalities within range. Like it doesn't believe that everything really has changed between them. 

***

Kylo arrived at Cerea two days ago. He couldn't go back to the First Order head quarters, he had to leave during the reconnaissance mission he was already out on. Had he come back with no intel regarding the rebels wherabouts he suspects he would have had to hand over the whole mission to Hux or someone equally tiresome and single-mindedly dedicated. And he's also pretty sure Hux is plotting against him, planning a mutiny of sorts. Kylo really doesn't have time for that.

So he sent out a distress call back to base, saying he was under heavy fire from space pirates, then destroying all means of communication in the shuttle and making the jump to light speed. Hoping against hope to leave as much as possible of the First Order behind him.  
_Let the past die, kill it if you have to,_ Kylo remembers telling Rey. He sees now how he was really talking to himself. 

He feels her the moment she pulls out of light speed, into the Cerean system. He guides her to him, to the slightly larger port town he's chosen. A town large enough that noone takes notice of a black clad stranger. He was worried about the Silencer being too recognizable a ship, but having seen the multitude of different vessels coming and going while he stayed out of atmosphere, he feels confident the visitors here will not be asking any questions. That might just as well draw attention to themselves and their, more than likely, stolen ships.

The last two nights he's spent at an inn, feeling the sleeping form of Rey pressed against him. Unable to see or hear her, but her mass has been there. With him.

Kylo knows that Rey will figure out where to land with her ship on her own, and he knows he won't have to meet her for her to find her way to him. Instead he leaves the bustle of the porttown and ventures out to the woods surrounding it. He's made himself aquaintant with the alien forest, walking around, scouting for a secluded spot for them to meet. Far away from prying eyes, where they can speak with candor, unafraid of who might hear them. Where he won't have to worry about anyone seeing him, not as Kylo Ren, but someone else. That other person he can feel inside of himself is reserved for Rey alone. She brings him out, quells his fears of him. Her trust in them both, Kylo and the other one, makes him let down his guard in a way he thought long made impossible by the dark side and Snoke.

He waits for her in the glade he's found, listening to the sounds of a nearby stream. He feels serene, yet still he fidgets. He realises that he's nervous. And not the ”oh dear lord I'll be tortured to the brink of insanity by my master”-kind he's gotten accustomed to these last years, but a pleasant sort of thrilled, anticipatory nervousness. When he finally hears her making her way through the trees and underbrush, he can't help but turn away from her. He want's to get his features in order, he won't be caught smiling like some sort of feeble-minded idiot.  
Even though he wants to. 

He feels her presence, but he doesn't try to look into her mind, Neither does she. He hears the hammer of his heart, beating a fast tattoo. Taking deep breaths. And then he hears her calling his name, softly.  
_”Ben”._

Suddenly it's like all those times the force bond has connected them, all the sound is sucked out, like standing in a vacuum where only the two of them exist. He finally turns to face her.

***

Rey heard Kylo as soon as she entered the Cerean system. He showed her where she was going and how to get there. Once she's landed she hears him again, or rather she sees what he wants to show her, where to go. She leaves the town behind and ventures out into the woods. She walks for a long time, wishing she had brought water, but all the time feeling the light that is Ben Solo calling to her, like a homing beacon.

When she finally steps out into a clearing and sees him, she has to force down a giggle. Seeing Kylo Ren, all dressed in black with his hood up, covering him entirely, is such a stark contrast to the tranquil beauty around her. He looks so out of place, her heart warms knowing that he has left the cold metal corridors of the First Order where he belongs, for her.  
He stands with his head bowed down, facing away from her. She knows he's heard her, even though she can't feel him in her head. It feels like an unspoken agreement, so she won't go barging into his mind either. Instead she softly walks up to him, calling him by the only name she ever wants to. 

”Ben”

He turns as he lowers his hood, visibly swallowing. He looks so nervous her heart breaks for him, he has that same look he had in the red room when he asked her _please._

”Ben” she says again, reaching out her hands to him, an invitation, a reconciliation. A gesture of forgiveness and a plea for the same from him. 

He isn't wearing his gloves, and for that she is very glad as he takes her hands. This is the first time they touch, truly touch, and it's just as she knew it would be: perfect. Her face lights up in a smile so long held back that it's almost hurting the muscles in her cheeks. But when he reciprocates her smile she can't help but smile even wider. _Stars, you're beautiful_ , she thinks so loud that it spills over into his mind, and he actually blushes and looks away. But when he finds her gaze again he answers, quietly but spoken,  
”As are you, Rey”

***

Ben thought to bring water, so they drink. Sitting down on the moss-covered ground, their backs against a tree trunk and a palm tree respectively. Passing the water canteen between them feels kind of intimate. Rey can't overlook the fact that her lips are touching the same spot that his lips just touched, then she blushes and looks down, knowing he might have heard that, concidering how intense that thought was.  
It's been a long time since she kissed someone, and more than a lifetime since she's kissed someone she felt this drawn to. Her romantic attachments back at Jakku never were all that exiting, just something to pass the time. There hadn't been much else to do there, after all. And even though she's pretty sure the principles of intimacy must basically still be the same, the thought of being intimate with Ben is nerve-wrecking. She wants him to like it, wants him to want her. Feel as excited as she does, as desperate for her touch as she is for his.  
Suddenly she feels his hand on her cheek, him turning her face towards his own and looking deep into her eyes, his own blown wide and pitch black.  
”I am” is all he says before he lunges towards her, cradling her face in his hands, crushing his lips against hers. 

It's better than she imagined, little sparks crackles between their lips. She runs her hand up his head and finally gets to grip that hair of his. She fists it, without fear of causing him discomfort. He really doesn't seem like the kind of man to take offence by a bit of hair pulling. Using her grip on his hair and his head as leverage, she gives back as good as she gets. Their lips almost melding together, breaking against teeth and the wounds being licked by their tongues. It's such a release, all the tension that's been building up between them, since that first time he took off his mask for her. They breathe each other in.  
She kisses him roughly and open-mouthed up along the scar she gave him, he bites and sucks alternately at her exposed neck. She shivers and moans, he bites down harder.  
She starts tearing at his god damned thick jacket, layers upon layers of heavy cloth between her and his skin. He helps her get the row of tiny buttons unfastened and shimmies out of it, still in his shirt. She makes a disgruntled and upset sound deep in her throat, causing him to smile wider than ever before.  
”Get it off, now” she orders him impatiently.  
”You too, then” he answers, equally distraught, motioning to her tunic, bindings and pants.

They're finally naked, on top of his black cloak, but they have yet to dare to look at the others naked form in full. They look with their hands instead. Letting her strong fingers roam over his broad and muscular chest, her tiny breasts getting swallowed up in his gigantic hands. She can feel his erection pressed against her belly, but she doesn't quite dare to think about that just yet. She still needs to touch every last strand of his hair, lick at every scar on his arms and chest.  
She is all sweat and hairy body, never having shaved anything, his body is smooth and hairless in contrast, but against her abdomen she feels the scratching of a love trail sneaking down from his navel towards his sex.  
As she starts to move her hand down, towards what feels like an almost alarmingly huge erection, he grabs her hand, whispers a decided _”no”_ and pins her hand down over her head instead. He is half-lying over her, her other hand trapped under the weight of his torso and lost in the curls of his hair, his free hand tangled in hers. He smiles down at her, hair falling like a messy curtain around his glowing face.  
”I need to warn you” he starts, his eyes burning holes through her eyes, ”I've been told I'm rather... big. Like, inconveniently so.” Suddenly he looks worried, staring down on her intently, trying to discern any hesitation from her. Trying to read her face without intruding into her mind. She's thankful for that, because she does feel a sting of trepidation, noting the quite obvious difference between their bodies. Him being almost two heads taller than her, and like three times as wide. But her anxiety quickly gives way to anticipation, she has wanted to feel him fill her up for so long now, it starts to sound pretty perfect.  
”I'm sure I can handle it, we'll just take it slow” she tells him, trying to sound reasuring and not too exited.  
He looks relieved and smoothly rolls over onto his back and drags her on top of him with ease.  
”As slow as you need, I'll let you take charge” he tells her, the smile back on his face and his giant hands wrapped around her hip.  
She leans down to continue their kissing, now slower, more deliberate.  
She presses her lower body down to meet his throbbing center, her wet folds rubbing up against the length of his penis, and _oh how he didn't exaggerate_. She has to pace herself to keep from rutting against him, but his penis pressed up against her clitoris is producing sparks that shoot down her thighs and up her abdomen. She feels her whole body tremble, but then again, it might be his.  
They both stop their kissing, too overwhelmed by the sensations. Open mouths with lips barely brushing against lips, they pant into one another. Her lower lip quivers, the lids of his eyes flickers. His fingers digging into her hip bones, pressing her down and keeping her still at the same time, like he can't decide if he needs to feel more or if he can't handle the sensation as it is.  
But he did leave her in charge, and she needs more. She reaches down between their sweaty bodies, and finally get to touch his penis. It is huge. She can't think of it as a penis, it most definitly is a cock. She wraps her fingers around it, and she can't reach all the way around. This will be a challenge, but fortunatly she's never been one to back down from a challenge. She guides him to her entrance. She's got that tight, gripping, almost painful feeling again, as if her whole vagina is being crushed in a giant's fist. Her want, her lust, her need of him is so complete, she can't wait to have him inside of her.

***

She sits on top of him, a sheen of sweat over her entire body, her face red and her hair a stringy mess. She's perfect and wildly beautiful. Kylo can't seem to losen his grip on her hips, even though he's sure it's rough enough to leave perfect bruise-impressions of his hands on her skin. But the whole of him is so tense, so high-strung in anticipation, he's not sure what would happen if he were to let go of her.  
As she starts to slide down onto him, he can feel how they both hold their breath. She does take it slow, taking him in, little by little, making stops and letting herself adjust. He bites his lip so hard he hears when the muscles in it breaks, but he manages to keep still, letting her control it. Her fingers are splayed against his chest, fluttering against his over-sensitive skin. Her eyes find his and he's blown away by what he sees in them. Not just lust and need, but trust and love. And more than anything, he sees her power. Her power over the force and her power over him. He feels it in all that he is, he will always be hers.  
She raises herself up a little, to glide down again, taking in more of him each time. The slowness of it is driving him crazy. She keeps up a slow and uneven pace until finally, she slides all the way down, taking him in to the hilt. Kylo is overwhelmed by how beautiful this feels. Like if you were to attribute a verb to the adjective 'beautiful', this would be it. He looks into her eyes and sees that feeling mirrored in them.  
Then she starts to move, and his mind goes blank.


	5. Chapter five

Rey comes to, freezing on her backside but still toasty warm on her front. She's draped over Ben, who still looks to be passed out, but she can hear him snoring softly. Her throat feels kind of sore and she wonders how loud she has to have been for that to happen. Embarrassment floods over her, apparently spilling over into Ben's consciousness, because he stirs from his sleep, reaching for her face.  
”Hey, what's up? Why are you..?” he starts, barely awake but still worried for her.  
”Oh, I was just wondering if we were loud enough to bring the authorities down here” she answers him lightly, easing any thoughts of her regretting what they did from his mind.  
His thumb rubs over her cheekbone, the fingers lost in her hair. His smile even more lovely than ever before. _Good lord, I'm gonna be insufferable for as long as we're together_ Rey realizes and smiles back to him.  
”We should get dressed and head back, I'm starving.”  
He can't say no to that. _I probably won't be able to deny her anything_ Kylo thinks to himself as he agrees with her, standing and offering her his hand, helping her up.

They walk back in to town in a comfortable silence, sometimes stealing a glance of the other, smiling when they catch the other doing the same.  
They find a marketplace and pick up fruits and mystery meats and something to drink. The plan is to head back to the room Kylo's been staying in with their provisions. Both of them aware that at some point they're gonna need to talk to each other, with actual words. Forming sentences that will be impossible to speak out loud, but still they have to. So they keep stalling, dragging out the time at the market. Rey pointing out strange fruits to Ben she's never seen before, him telling her what they are and how they taste. Him suggesting they buy "that weird green milk", her refusing vehemently.  
But after aimlessly wandering the rows of stalls without the excuse to buy more food, she finally feels him tugging at her sleeve, quietly saying "over there, that's where we're going. You ready?"  
And she isn't, but still they leave the marketplace behind, and easily the best afternoon she's ever experienced.

***

It's a hallway above a store selling parts, much like the ones she used to scavenge.  
_So this is where they ended up? Unkar Plutt selling them to shop owners, them in turn selling them to travellers passing through, on their way to some other place_. She doesn't want to see what the shop owner takes for the parts she had to work so hard for and in turn getting payed so little for.

Ben opens the door furthest down the corridor for her, standing aside to let her enter first. It's a small room, bare sandcoloured walls, an unmade bed and a rickety table by the dirty window. Weird, circular poufs for sittning on and maybe storage.  
Out in the open, under the sky, it had felt so easy, effortless, but in this small and cramped up room the reality catches up to Rey. He motions for her to sit as he himself pulls up a pouf, laying out their purchases on the table.  


"So, how do you wanna do this?" Ben starts, not looking at her.  


"Do you mean the food or like, everything else?" she answers with a question as she sits down next to him, hoping to ease the tension between them.

"Everything else, I was thinking, but if you wanna start with the food that's fine by me". When he looks up at her the twinkle in his eyes is back, somewhat calming her.

”I'm sorry, Ben.” she blurts out, the thing she has been wanting to say more than anything else since they parted in that horrible way in the red room.  
”I wish I had reacted differently, that we hadn't fought each other like that. I shouldn't have turned on you.” She plucks with a fruit, peeling off a prickly husk, finding a milky white, dry but soft, fleshy heart inside. It smells fresh and tangy, but she can't bring herself to put it in her mouth.

”Yeah, me too.” He answers simply. ”I realized I made the wrong call way too late. I wish I had been able to see clearly, but I was so caught up in my old way of thinking. If I could go back I would, but you know...”

”We've both made some mistakes...” Rey starts, but the look Ben shoots her make her stop talking. He looks incredulous and sarcastic and immensly sad.

”Really? That's where you wanna go? Any fuck-ups from you on a planetary scale? Some cases of genocide I might have glossed over?” He pushes the food away from him and looks out the window. Rey expects to see rage from him, but he just looks crushed, defeated. Tears slowly streaming down his face with the realization that he can never atone, never undo all the atrocious things he's done.

”Yeah you fucked up, Ben! You've slaughtered children and your father and you've helped to destroy a whole system of planets. You have so much blood on your hands it's no point in you trying to wash it off!”  
She doesn't know where she's going with this, this isn't why she's here. She's not here to scold him or try to bring him in for justice. She has no idea what she can possibly say to him, Kylo Ren, scourge of the galaxy. All she know is that she can't watch him cry. Not without her heart breaking beyond repair.

So she takes his hands in her own, opening up the connection, making words unnecessary. She shows him the place he has in her heart, not Kylo Ren, but Ben. She shows him how she separates the actions of Kylo Ren from the boy who was coerced into an abusive relationship with someone much too strong to resist. Not that she doesn't think that he, Ben, had nothing to do with all that transpired while he was under Snokes training and influence, she knows he chose that himself. But she shows him that she can understand why he made those catastrophic choices. And even though she condemns his actions, it doesn't change the way she feels for him. It doesn't affect the part of her heart that beats solely for him.

”I can't come back with you, Rey. Please don't ask that of me.” As he is still crying, she can't do anything else than tell him what he wants to hear, anything to stop him from hurting like he does.  
”I won't, Ben. I won't.” she reassures him as she takes him in her arms. 

After a while her arms grow stiff, her back hurts from sitting in this uncomfortable position and her stomach grumbles louder and louder, until she decidedly tells him that she really do need to eat. Him too, most likely.  
So they do, in silence.

***

With their stomachs full it's easier to think. Without fear of their emotions taking over. Since they both slept for an unknown passage of time while in the forest, neither one of them are sleepy. The free time they all of a sudden have stretches out before them, with nothing to fill it with. 

_When was the last time i had the opportunity to be idle?_ they both think quietly. Both coming to the conclusion that idleness isn't for them.  
Rey needs to fill the stillness with something, she gets too antsy just sitting here, waiting for something to break. And something surely must break, soon. This isn't a sustainable situation for either one of them. 

"What are you thinking, Ben? You probably can't return to the First Order now, and you don't wanna come with me to the resistance head quarters. Do you think we could just stay away? Together? Trying to build a new life, away from everything else?"

He answers her slowly, taking his time, thinking it through thoroughly.  
"No, I don't think that's an option. Without something to keep me occupied I'd most likely go mad. But you have to see that accompanying you back to the rebels isn't an option for me, I'd be executed on the spot.” _And you know they would be right to do so_ he thinks, making sure she hears it too, but unable to speak the words out loud.

”You think of the resistance as being the same as your First Order, but they're not! If you and I were to go there together, and with Leia having time to prepare them for it, no one needs to be executed.” Rey believes this with such fervor, Kylo can't help feeling it too. The bond's playing tricks with his mind, her convictions planting seeds in him, making him feel like it might be possible, after all. 

He remembers when he didn't shoot down Leia's ship, before Crait. They felt each other then, and she didn't send him thoughts of hate, regret, animosity or pleading. Only acceptance and love. Even in that moment, when her life and the life of all those on her ship were in acute peril of being gunned down by him, her most vivid thought had been _'do what you need to, Ben. I'm just so glad to feel you again, that you let me in. One last time'._  
Maybe all isn't lost, maybe he hasn't burned all bridges. He searches Rey's eyes and all he can see is brilliant trust, hope, faith and conviction. Maybe she can believe this enough for both of them? Enough to make it true?

And in any case, what alternative does he have? He can't go back and he doesn't want to go forward without her. And most importantly, he doesn't want to ask her to give anything up for his sake. _This is compassion_ , he realizes. _This is love, putting someone elses well-being ahead of your own. How did this happen? I hardly know her. Why did this happen? I have never sought it._  
He has been quiet a really long time now, and Rey is looking more worried by the second. 

”What would I even do there, with you. Assuming I won't get shot on sight, what place could I possibly have amongst your people? I will never be trusted enough to be a part of anything even remotely associated with the strategies of war. I'd be locked in that hut of yours, having to keep out of sight at all times. Hiding like a rat there instead of somewhere else.” 

”I'm not saying you'll be welcomed in the inner ranks as soon as we land, but if you never even try then we will never know if they could learn to trust you. As I trust you...”  
Rey still looks at him with eyes filled with conviction. Her belief is so strong, it's hard for him to shield from it, to not let it fill him as well.

”I can't just leave the past behind. I know I said we should, but I didn't know what I was saying then. There is no leaving the deeds I've done behind. There is no redemption for me.” This is his conviction, he needs her to see it, know it, as he knows hers. _I can't forget it, and no one else will either. This isn't something that can be killed and left behind, that we can grow beyond._  
But Rey doesn't listen to him, of course not. 

”No, ok, you can't leave the mistakes you've made behind you, but you can learn from them! You can't, shouldn't, let yourself forget them, and you can't erase them from history. But you don't have to relive them every single day.”  
Rey leans in close, her hand caressing the scar she gave him. ”You can try your best to rectify some of the damage you've done, though.” She leans in closer, her open lips brushing over his, pressing a lingering kiss on his upper lip, then his lower lip, catching it between her own lips and gently pulling it with her as she tilts her head backwards, to look into his eyes.  
”I'll help you.”  
And he knows she will, so he takes her hand, and says  
”Yes”  
The look in her eyes is accompanied by a new feeling in the bond between them. A sense of equilibrium.  
_'No'_ , he hears her thought in his mind, _'this is balance'._

***

It's dark outside, they're lying on their backs next to each other on the bed, fully dressed. Her right arm bent at the elbow, fingers interlaced with his left hand. The only source of light in the room comes from an oil lamp burning in a corner, spreading a spicy and heady aroma around them.  
”You know, that vision we both had, of us standing side by side? I believe the force just wanted us to see that we belong together. It might not matter all too much in what way, just as long as we're together. That's what the force needs to balance itself out. You and I, Ben.” She speeks quietly, showing him through the bond what she saw in her vision. Not him turning to the light, shedding his old ways, but just the two of them, constituting their own side. Not choosing light nor darkness.  
He tightens his grip on her hand, listening and seeing. Letting her in turn see his version of the vision, that it's the same. Not her turning to the dark, but just the two of them together, in harmony.

It's impossible to not throw themselves over each other after seeing that, to not tear off clothes and letting hands and lips and tongues roam everywhere. So they do.

He fucks her with a military precision. A steady rhythm, infuriatingly slow but deep, hard. His eyes are fire, never leaving hers. Making her feel even more naked than she is. His tempo never changes, even when she tries to make him speed up. He just smiles teasingly at her and keep moving in and out of her in that slow and exact pace. The orgasm sneaks up on her, taking her by surprise. Both the suddenness of it and the intensity. She feels her eyes roll back in her head and her back arch up, off the bed. Her legs shaking uncontrollably, vibrating her entire body. He keeps going, never wavering in his work, until she is utterly spent. Slowly he pulls out of her, careful not to cause her any discomfort in her hyper sensitive state. Her body keeps shaking, her breath coming in short bursts.  
He has never seen anything so perfect, so intriguing, as her in the moment of extasy. He'll never grow tired of this, he's suddenly filled with that knowledge. A fast conviction, as true as anything he's ever known. This will be his new life's mission.

***

They sell the Silencer and leave together in her ship the next morning, heading back to Ahch-To. Come what may. They at least will get to figure it out together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that was that. Feels like kind of a good place to end the story, right? We can all imagine that the rest of their lives will be easier than ever before.  
> I have borrowed dialogue from the movies wherever I felt it would fit in. Hoping it would make it easier to hear their voices speaking the words.  
> Thanks for reading, if you find spelling mistakes and/or grammatical errors, please let me know!


End file.
